Failed. Again.

I must start writing more often.  Not another thing to beat myself up about (though I guess my post title would indicate otherwise) but more because it actually helps me to have an outlet, and to get myself motivated again.

Today I really shocked myself - and that takes some doing these days.  I went to the gym and did a half-hearted work out, knowing I was going to return later, and then met a friend for a 'walk'.  I am always told I walk really fast so expected more of a stroll with my friend (who is a good 30 years older than me).  Think again, Last Shot.  We walked at my kind of pace for 2 hours - the last hour being uphill, and a steep, winding, long hill through fields and rough terrain.  I actually felt ok for the most part until the last half hour or so, which was the toughest bit, where I started to see stars in my eyes (that sounds so rubbish but I know what I mean!).  It was nice to spend some time with my friend and out of my head, but I'd be lying if I weren't more 'excited' about the exercise.  I got home and ate (which I HATE) and then was so wiped out I went to bed.  And I could not get up again.  I was so very tired and achey and just had the heaviest head and body.  I have not made it back to the gym.  I feel rubbish and fat and obese and disgusting.  But equally I am still too tired to really move.

And I am shocked because I am not even at a very low weight.  I have eaten.  And it was just a walk.  So, WTF?!

Tomorrow I want to start a proper eating plan - lunch and super and a snack in between.  Tomorrow I want to do proper exercise.  Tomorrow I want to feel ok again.  And tomorrow I want my GP appointment to be ok and me not leaving feeling like the worst person in the world - not my GP's fault, just me misinterpreting and twisting everything, I hope.

Tomorrow I want to not fail at writing, at eating according to my plan (which I must write tonight) and not to fail at exercising sufficiently and properly.  And this will not be the tomorrow that never comes.