Take two...

I not only fail at pretty much everything in life, but I now fail at blogging.  So here it is, take two.  Take two on me documenting this for me, for my last ditched attempt at gaining some kind of life.  For my last chance.  For my last shot at recovery.  And so tomorrow it begins.  I WILL post, I WILL leave my flat, and I WILL come up with a plan to follow.  And (ffs), I WILL try to stick to all of it.

I can do this...I could do this...can't/couldn't I?

Last night I went up into my loft (where I have half the contents of my last flat still in boxes, the other half having been unpacked!) to find some ED related stuff.  It turns out I have rather a lot of ED things - ranging from letters dating back to 1994 when I had my first admission to reports written about me to endless weight and calorie charts and plans (by both myself and professionals) to exercise plans and so on.  I had been reminded of the letters (of which I have so many and it makes me feel somewhat sad that snailmail is not really used anymore as it is so nice to have these to read every now and then and I'm not sure it would be so easy, or meaningful to look back over emails over the past 20 years) when I was packing my previous flat to move here.  I was aware of the charts and lists but I hadn't really paid much attention to them then.  But last night I started to read the food plans and exercise plans and I started to wonder, can I do this?  Could I do this?  Could I find a way of somehow sticking to a plan to give me a bit more regularity and structure and improve my mood and fatigue...without gaining weight?  Could I do it this time, without backing out, slipping up, messing about?  Can I do it?  Professionals around me are not convinced - by both me being able to improve my eating/exercise addiction and by me being able to feel less depressed, sleeping better and being able to function enough to return to work without gaining weight.  But a part of me thinks maybe, just maybe I could, I can...It's not like my weight is that low, or even low at all really.  My mood is a problem but if I was back at work I'd have to focus on work and just deal with the crash each evening and every weekend.  If I could stay at this weight, maybe it would be worth it?  Which brings me back to the question...can I do this?  Could I do this?  Will I do this?

Failed. Again.

I must start writing more often.  Not another thing to beat myself up about (though I guess my post title would indicate otherwise) but more because it actually helps me to have an outlet, and to get myself motivated again.

Today I really shocked myself - and that takes some doing these days.  I went to the gym and did a half-hearted work out, knowing I was going to return later, and then met a friend for a 'walk'.  I am always told I walk really fast so expected more of a stroll with my friend (who is a good 30 years older than me).  Think again, Last Shot.  We walked at my kind of pace for 2 hours - the last hour being uphill, and a steep, winding, long hill through fields and rough terrain.  I actually felt ok for the most part until the last half hour or so, which was the toughest bit, where I started to see stars in my eyes (that sounds so rubbish but I know what I mean!).  It was nice to spend some time with my friend and out of my head, but I'd be lying if I weren't more 'excited' about the exercise.  I got home and ate (which I HATE) and then was so wiped out I went to bed.  And I could not get up again.  I was so very tired and achey and just had the heaviest head and body.  I have not made it back to the gym.  I feel rubbish and fat and obese and disgusting.  But equally I am still too tired to really move.

And I am shocked because I am not even at a very low weight.  I have eaten.  And it was just a walk.  So, WTF?!

Tomorrow I want to start a proper eating plan - lunch and super and a snack in between.  Tomorrow I want to do proper exercise.  Tomorrow I want to feel ok again.  And tomorrow I want my GP appointment to be ok and me not leaving feeling like the worst person in the world - not my GP's fault, just me misinterpreting and twisting everything, I hope.

Tomorrow I want to not fail at writing, at eating according to my plan (which I must write tonight) and not to fail at exercising sufficiently and properly.  And this will not be the tomorrow that never comes.

Long overdue

So much has been going on in my crazy mental health anorexia driven world and instead of helping myself a tiny bit by writing her and keeping accountable to myself, I've let it all fester and get amplified in my head.  

My world has been turned upside down in terms of what will happen to me treatment wise.  Funding issues, my hesitancy, ambivalence, fear, a very evil person having too much power (and evil in not only my opinion but both my treatment team, friends and family) and basically me not having a clue what to do, whether to 'fight' for treatment that is deemed necessary by most, or whether to give in and just accept life.

I am tired now.  Too tired and exhausted and fed up by all this sh*t.  But tomorrow I will start the thinking and processing...and tomorrow means Friday, not that elusive tomorrow that never comes....

To be or not to be, that is the section

So much for this being a blog where I keep myself accountable and keep a check on things and find some motivation to start recovery and continue with recovery.  Words totally fail me.  Funding is up in the air so there may be no inpatient admission and no day programme.  Everyone has told me that this is pretty much what I need to stand any chance at recovery.  So hearing this news yesterday was difficult to say the least.  In the past week, I have escalated some so-called 'risky' behaviours in a poor attempt just to cope and manage my life and mood and now am apparent on the cusp of being sectioned.  Great.  Excellent work LastShot.  And no, this doesn't even mean I'd get the ED inpatient/daypatient help, it would be an acute admission to a place I can't go for personal and professional reasons.  I am just in turmoil and have absolutely no idea what to do.  I've had to agree to not do certain things but am left without any coping skills and no hope and being an utterly miserable bore.

Tomorrow, tomorrow I HAVE to switch my focus.  I need to find something to make all this worthwhile.  I have to make sure I am not sectioned.  I have to do something.....

Hmph.

Everyone wants to be special to someone.  I think.
I hate that I want this and I hate that I want it most from my therapist.
What I hate the most though is that today I have seen that she so very clearly has a 'favourite' client who is not me, and I am right at the bottom, and this has destroyed all my trust in her.  I can't say how I know all this without revealing more about me and the service I am under but it was there in black and white, no room for error or misunderstanding.  How can I trust what she says about weight gain and so on, if I feel so uncertain of my relationship with her in general?  How can I continue to see her if I feel this shitty and jealous and loathing of myself in response?
My head is spinning.  I am this close to telling everyone I'm done with therapy, ED services, life.
What is the point?  And why the **** am I so jealous?  Sometimes I really hate myself.  Today I cannot tolerate myself at all.
And there goes the failure again at positive posting....

Failure is....

- Not writing a positive post today.
- Not having written for the past few days (though I was away with no access to a computer).
- Trying to justify my failures.
- Going on a short break/holiday and being totally preoccupied with exercise, food intake and (imagined) - weight gain.  More so than ever before.  F***.
- Upsetting/worrying a family member on holiday about my food intake.
- Not being 'over' this some 20+ years down the line.
 -Being so repulsed by how 'summer' clothes look and feel on me (I say 'summer' because this entailed a vest top covered with a 3/4 length sleeve loose fitting top but STILL I could see the bulges everywhere) that it has led me to decide that I simply cannot gain weight which means I cannot be admitted which means I cannot do the day programme which means I basically cannot stay in the ED service.  Which means failing treatment yet again.  Which means failing my family and friends yet again.  Which means there is no point.
- Not stopping during exercise this morning when my heart palpitations were bordering on being painful and   affecting my breathing (but, I remind myself, all tests, ECGs etc all come back fine so nothing is wrong.  Sadly.)
- Being such a miserable depressive obese bitch.

But, I did clean my home today.  And I AM going to make sure I talk to at least one more person today.  Self-induced isolation is not an option.  And facebook/texts etc do NOT count.

And perhaps I will have found out how to do a self-help lobotomy and return a nicer, more motivated person tomorrow.  Because I will write tomorrow.  Hey, another positive!