Failure is....

- Not writing a positive post today.
- Not having written for the past few days (though I was away with no access to a computer).
- Trying to justify my failures.
- Going on a short break/holiday and being totally preoccupied with exercise, food intake and (imagined) - weight gain.  More so than ever before.  F***.
- Upsetting/worrying a family member on holiday about my food intake.
- Not being 'over' this some 20+ years down the line.
 -Being so repulsed by how 'summer' clothes look and feel on me (I say 'summer' because this entailed a vest top covered with a 3/4 length sleeve loose fitting top but STILL I could see the bulges everywhere) that it has led me to decide that I simply cannot gain weight which means I cannot be admitted which means I cannot do the day programme which means I basically cannot stay in the ED service.  Which means failing treatment yet again.  Which means failing my family and friends yet again.  Which means there is no point.
- Not stopping during exercise this morning when my heart palpitations were bordering on being painful and   affecting my breathing (but, I remind myself, all tests, ECGs etc all come back fine so nothing is wrong.  Sadly.)
- Being such a miserable depressive obese bitch.

But, I did clean my home today.  And I AM going to make sure I talk to at least one more person today.  Self-induced isolation is not an option.  And facebook/texts etc do NOT count.

And perhaps I will have found out how to do a self-help lobotomy and return a nicer, more motivated person tomorrow.  Because I will write tomorrow.  Hey, another positive!