The sun is out...but I want the winter back

As my title reflects, I am most definitely not a summer person.  Or a Spring person.  I tolerate Autumn because it holds hope for the Winter.  I am one of those rare people who longs for dark, drab, grey, wet, cold, snowy days.  I wouldn't mind if it was never sunny again.  I detest the heat and the light.  I love the cold and the dark.  I have always wondered if it is solely to do with having anorexia but I don't think it is (apart from the fact that I still am yet to believe I actually have anorexia).  True, I hate exposing my lard, my excessive adipose tissue, my voluminous self.  But there is something also about feeling warm, about being around 'happy' people.  I just find it so hard.  But now sit here berating myself for such assumptions when I know appearances can be deceptive and that I should not assume everyone who looks happy and says they are happy are indeed happy.  And I don't even begrudge them being happy, but I do feel even more guilty for not being happy, especially when it's sunny, when other people seem to think I should be...'because the sun is out and it's nearly summer'.  I would like to hibernate, but in reverse.  I'd like to wake up when it becomes winter again.  Only, the truth is I'd actually rather not wake up.

This is becoming rather a depressed post.  Perhaps that is reflective of my mood today.  I woke this morning (on a positive aside, the fact I woke means I slept!!) to see sun beaming through my curtains.  I wanted to roll over and pretend today was not happening but I had a GP appointment so had to get up.  Sadly the sun and improved mood are negatively correlated so my poor GP had a rather depressed LastShot on her hands.  But I did manage to speak to her and I even managed speaking to my psychiatrist yesterday about all that other 'stuff' and I left both feeling I really need to hold on.  How I feel now isn't necessarily how I will feel tomorrow, or even in an hour's time.  So it is with this new-to-me line that I am living today: how I feel now may not be how I feel in one hour.  And that implies so hope.  And for me, right now, the possibility of hope is enough.  And who knows where that will be in one hour!!

When I next write, I really need to focus on the 'positives', and not in a cheesy life is great way, but just noticing things that give ME some hope and satisfaction, and maybe, maybe even some pleasure?!