Inner strength or lack of strength?

Ever since the more suicidal nature has taken hold, I have been meticulously planning and refining my final exit plan.  Down to the minute details.  Whilst I have many things that are also designed and planned to give me every opportunity to reconsider my decision, should that final decision be made, it is nonetheless slightly disturbing to have such a methodically and fail-safe plan in existence.  Last night was a night that I didn't want any harm to come of me, but wanted a 'dummy run'.  I wanted to know that if and when I need to operationalise my plan, I can do it.  I spent hours researching what would be a "safe" dose of medication to take that would satisfy my ability to swallow a lot of pills but not cause me any harm that may get in the way of my plans for the weekend (predominantly exercise and visiting my family) nor evoke any concern from those who may at some point find out.  I felt alone.  And surprised at myself because part of me wanted to phone someone and tell them so they could tell me not to do it.  But why?  If it was only a dummy run, with no harm potential, why did I want this?  Again, was I seeking attention?  Those two words when combined together I hate the most?  What was going through my warped sick head?  I didn't make contact.  I sat reading and preparing and working out mg to kg ratios.

And a friend texted me out of the blue at the most appropriate moment.  Nothing was said or revealed but my plan was abandoned.  Today it has left me shaken up - did I really want to do it?  Was I just bored?  Being silly?  Attention seeking?  Why the hell did I not do it anyway?  No one would have known and it would have done no harm except reassure me I could do it when needed.  Why did I screw up and not do it?

I truly do not understand myself.  And I sit here typing thinking I must sound crazy.  And debating whether to tell my psychiatrist this or whether that will seem attention seeking?  Why do I even care if it does?  Because I don't like to make a fuss, to be a burden, to be intrusive, to be too much.  Damn me and damn my brain.  And double damn this disgusting body.